Improving Communication and Intimacy in Romantic Relationships

Healthy communication is the foundation of any relationship. Yet many of us find ourselves lacking the tools and skills to move through conflict resolution without getting stuck in cycles of misunderstanding, criticising and blaming each other. Luckily, communication skills can be learned and strengthened, especially by drawing on empirical evidence from leading experts in relationship therapy. Here a few tips to get you started:

1. Shift from Criticism to Curiosity

According to the Gottmans, one of the major predictors of relationship breakdown is the presence of the ‘Four Horsemen’: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Criticism in particular is when we attack our partner’s character rather than addressing their behaviour. It might sound something like: “You’re always so lazy and never help me with things around the house.” This kind of comment can really escalate a conflict or can lead to shutdown in a partner - neither of which is going to get the issue resolved.

Instead, the Gottmans recommend using gentle start-ups. Begin conversations with “I” statements that express your feelings and needs and focus on behaviour rather than sweeping statements. This might look like: “I feel unsupported and overwhelmed when you forget to clean the kitchen”. By focusing on the impact of your partner’s actions and being specific about the behaviour you want to change, we can more easily hone in on how to move forward.

In this case, these partners might want to work on being curious about why one partner is forgetting to clean the kitchen - Are they experiencing stress outside the home? Are they neurodivergent and need some support in organisation? Are they prioritising other tasks and if so why? - When we become curious together, it can really help to ease any defensiveness and you can tackle the issue as a team. Curiosity creates a foundation of: ‘it’s us versus the problem’

2. Turn Toward, Not Away

The Gottmans also emphasize the importance of 'turning toward' your partner’s bids for connection. These are small moments when your partner is seeking attention, affection, or support. Responding positively to these bids builds emotional trust over time.

Even simple moments, like responding to a partner’s comment about their day, are opportunities to connect. Missing or ignoring these bids can erode emotional closeness (Gottman & Gottman, 2017).

3. Reignite Inquisitivity and Playfulness

Esther Perel suggests that communication is about maintaining vitality and emotional intimacy in relationships. Much of her work encourages couples to cultivate curiosity about each other, even after years together.

Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s something new you’ve been thinking about lately?” or “What’s exciting to you right now?” These questions invite exploration and can help partners feel seen beyond their roles as parents, professionals, or caregivers (Perel, 2017).

4. Practice Repair and Emotional Safety

All relationships have conflict. Research has shown what matters most is how we repair. Whether it's a quick check-in, an apology, or a small act of kindness, repair attempts are crucial to rebuilding trust and emotional safety.

The Gottmans found that successful couples make frequent repair attempts during and after disagreements—and that emotional safety comes not from avoiding conflict, but from knowing you can navigate it together (Gottman & Gottman, 2017).

Conclusion

Improving communication isn’t about being perfect but more about being intentional. The more we practice our skills the stronger they become - just like a muscle that needs time to grow.

Hopefully, some of these tips might help you the next time you find yourself in a conflict with a partner but sometimes relationships need a little bit of help and guidance - that’s where relationship therapy can help. If you and your partner(s) are looking for some support in navigating conflict or want to learn more about communication skills, please contact me for more details.

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References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. K. (2004). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (20th anniversary ed.). St. Martin’s Griffin.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.